Wednesday, April 27, 2011

New Beginnings....

This title cracks me up cause this journey is so not a new beginning but its more like a new attitude for me. Saying that, I've been sitting on this blog for a couple of weeks just because I was so hurt and looking for answers that I didn't have. I know there are so many couples going through fertility troubles so we just want to be an example and an open book for couples who are struggling with this as well.

A couple of weeks ago we had found out again that we weren't pregnant and yes we were disappointed but then we were ready to try again. We were scheduled to see my doctor for a sonogram to measure things to see if my body was ready for another round. When the nurse was taking pictures she started with my baseline and it was ok and then she checked my left ovary and it had two follicles ready and then she went to look at my right and she found a problem. With all the fertility drugs I'm on there is always a chance that I could develop difficulties and this month just happened to be ours.

When the nurse looked at my right ovary she discovered a blood cyst. This cyst is so big that she couldn't even find my ovary. It was explained to me that this can happen because of all the drugs but the bad news is that we had to stop all procedures immediately and shut down my system by being on birth control pills. The good news is that we found this early and it could have been really bad. So bad that the cyst could have burst and I would have lost my whole right side...ovary and fallopian tube, so for that I am thankful.

On the other hand I was so upset and mad! To have one more hurdle, one more month of no and one more month disappointment. We have been trying for 12 years, or 145 months, or 4,350 days!!! This is crazy to me!

For the past two weeks I have been all over the place. I've questioned God, I've wanted to give up, I've wanted to keep going and I've wanted to adopt again. Then one day I just gave it back to God. It was never my burden to carry and somewhere along the road I picked up this burden again and it was time for me to give this burden back. Yes, I'm hurt and yes, I'm disappointed but I will live!

Tonight at church we had a night of refreshing and I must say this is my favorite part of church. It's a time where we can gather as a church and just encourage each other and speak a blessing into each others lives. Last time I went expecting and I was encouraged but tonight was so different. I went tonight with the idea that I just wanted to be in His presence and didn't really anything. I needed a touch but I was still carrying my burden and wasn't ready to give it up but tonight I did. Pastor Jackie was praying for people who needed some breakthroughs and heeling's and curses broken off their life so thinking I didn't need any of that I didn't go forward. I've prayed all these prayers before and really didn't feel like I was struggling with any of these areas.

Then the thing I love most is that the Holy Spirit showed up and Pastor Jackie asked if there was anyone who was barren and wanting to have children. Of course I knew this was for me and James so we stood up and what I love most about our church is that people come and stand with us and pray and agree with us for children. I have no idea what Jackie said because I was weeping and broken again before my Healer and that's when I gave up my burden again.

Then there is a part of the service that Pastor Jackie lets the people pray and encourage each other and speak into each others lives. So after we were "released" to speak to others a guy named Casey was sitting next to us and he said that he knew he was going to give a word to someone about being barren and he didn't know who it was until we stood up and knew it was for us. He said that the scripture of Samuel was given for us and then he sat there and explained that in the Old Testament there are so many women who are barren but then later they all have children! Then later a mom brought her little girl up to me and was instructed to touch my stomach and pray for a baby. This little girl couldn't be older then three and she said "Jesus please give her a baby." That totally warmed my heart cause we all know Jesus hears the prayers of children! Then after church a lady came up to me and said that she was suppose to give me the scripture of Samuel and I just smiled and told her that she was the second one and it was confirmation for me tonight!

So tonight I went to a night of refreshing and left so refreshed! Will I have hard days yes, but I know that I have a God who chose ME to walk this journey. It's hard and I don't like this journey but I want to do nothing but give all the glory to Him while I walk this path!

1 comment:

Misti said...

Reading this makes me SO proud of you and the woman you have become. AND, so thankful for the church body you and James are a part of. Thank you for sharing and for touching so many lives that even you will never know of. I love you!