Saturday, April 30, 2011


We had a wonderful Easter weekend this year! It's so weird to think that last Easter Farrah wasn't even walking....oh how time flies! This year Farrah really got involved in the Easter hunts and it just really warmed my heart. Year after year after year we went to family Easter gatherings and would watch and smile at all of the nieces and nephews hunt eggs and I would always find myself asking God, why and when and last year was a dream come true and this year was no less!

This year Easter weekend was a little crazy...I had a baby shower and two family Easter cookouts and James worked all weekend and was actually apart of the Easter service at church (that is a whole other post in it self). The first cookout was with my family on Saturday and we had so much fun. I love spending time with our families!

Then Sunday we went to church and it was fun seeing James on stage. Farrah had a rough night of sleep so she decided to stay with me during church. She was so fun to watch. She noticed her daddy on stage and she got this real big smile on her face and pointed and announced to everyone around us that that was her daddy!! This girl LOVES her daddy!!

After church just the three of us went to lunch and then came home and crashed til we had to get ready for the second cookout. It was funny cause we were all so tired from the busy weekend that we slept through our alarm! I woke up at 4:45pm and the family was going to be here at 5pm. Let me just say I flew out of bed and kicked James out as well...haha!

The Fortner family came and we celebrated Easter and Jim's birthday and again had so much fun. After dinner the girls hunted eggs and then we had our annual confetti egg fight and let me say it was a full out war this year! I LOVE this tradition!

Easter Sunday

This picture cracks me up cause we spent a good 30minutes trying to get all the confetti out of hair and down our clothes. I don't think my backyard will ever be confetti and egg free...haha!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

New Beginnings....

This title cracks me up cause this journey is so not a new beginning but its more like a new attitude for me. Saying that, I've been sitting on this blog for a couple of weeks just because I was so hurt and looking for answers that I didn't have. I know there are so many couples going through fertility troubles so we just want to be an example and an open book for couples who are struggling with this as well.

A couple of weeks ago we had found out again that we weren't pregnant and yes we were disappointed but then we were ready to try again. We were scheduled to see my doctor for a sonogram to measure things to see if my body was ready for another round. When the nurse was taking pictures she started with my baseline and it was ok and then she checked my left ovary and it had two follicles ready and then she went to look at my right and she found a problem. With all the fertility drugs I'm on there is always a chance that I could develop difficulties and this month just happened to be ours.

When the nurse looked at my right ovary she discovered a blood cyst. This cyst is so big that she couldn't even find my ovary. It was explained to me that this can happen because of all the drugs but the bad news is that we had to stop all procedures immediately and shut down my system by being on birth control pills. The good news is that we found this early and it could have been really bad. So bad that the cyst could have burst and I would have lost my whole right side...ovary and fallopian tube, so for that I am thankful.

On the other hand I was so upset and mad! To have one more hurdle, one more month of no and one more month disappointment. We have been trying for 12 years, or 145 months, or 4,350 days!!! This is crazy to me!

For the past two weeks I have been all over the place. I've questioned God, I've wanted to give up, I've wanted to keep going and I've wanted to adopt again. Then one day I just gave it back to God. It was never my burden to carry and somewhere along the road I picked up this burden again and it was time for me to give this burden back. Yes, I'm hurt and yes, I'm disappointed but I will live!

Tonight at church we had a night of refreshing and I must say this is my favorite part of church. It's a time where we can gather as a church and just encourage each other and speak a blessing into each others lives. Last time I went expecting and I was encouraged but tonight was so different. I went tonight with the idea that I just wanted to be in His presence and didn't really anything. I needed a touch but I was still carrying my burden and wasn't ready to give it up but tonight I did. Pastor Jackie was praying for people who needed some breakthroughs and heeling's and curses broken off their life so thinking I didn't need any of that I didn't go forward. I've prayed all these prayers before and really didn't feel like I was struggling with any of these areas.

Then the thing I love most is that the Holy Spirit showed up and Pastor Jackie asked if there was anyone who was barren and wanting to have children. Of course I knew this was for me and James so we stood up and what I love most about our church is that people come and stand with us and pray and agree with us for children. I have no idea what Jackie said because I was weeping and broken again before my Healer and that's when I gave up my burden again.

Then there is a part of the service that Pastor Jackie lets the people pray and encourage each other and speak into each others lives. So after we were "released" to speak to others a guy named Casey was sitting next to us and he said that he knew he was going to give a word to someone about being barren and he didn't know who it was until we stood up and knew it was for us. He said that the scripture of Samuel was given for us and then he sat there and explained that in the Old Testament there are so many women who are barren but then later they all have children! Then later a mom brought her little girl up to me and was instructed to touch my stomach and pray for a baby. This little girl couldn't be older then three and she said "Jesus please give her a baby." That totally warmed my heart cause we all know Jesus hears the prayers of children! Then after church a lady came up to me and said that she was suppose to give me the scripture of Samuel and I just smiled and told her that she was the second one and it was confirmation for me tonight!

So tonight I went to a night of refreshing and left so refreshed! Will I have hard days yes, but I know that I have a God who chose ME to walk this journey. It's hard and I don't like this journey but I want to do nothing but give all the glory to Him while I walk this path!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Elmo's World!!

Today James and I took Farrah to see Sesame Street Live. I love this age with Farrah! We were in the car and she had no idea what was about to happen and I loved seeing the innocence in her eyes.

We arrived and the first thing Farrah sees is the toy booth with all the Elmo toys and shirts and she had to have her picture taken with the Elmo. After we got her a toy we headed to our seats and the show began.

Farrah is so excited!!

When the show started Farrah's eyes lite up so big and she was clapping her hands and squealing with excitement. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen! I love living life through Farrah's eyes. Seeing things for the first time through a child's eyes is truly a blessing to me. They really enjoy the small things! Farrah realized the characters were real and turn to us and got a little scared and wanted to go but we reassured her and thank goodness they never came near us or she would have lost it....ha!

Half way through the show you could tell kids were getting restless and starting to cry and scream. I lost count how many times James go a sippy cup thrown at him from the little boy in front of us. James was such a good sport! I looked over at him and just started laughing cause he was so bored. I think we both watch Farrah more then we watched the show. Just when we thought it was almost over they had an intermission! James and I just started we took Farrah for a walk to let her stretch her legs and run around and she sat through the second half with a great big smile on her face.

Thanks Nana and Dandy for the tickets! Farrah had a great time and mom and dad survived...haha!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

God's Promises

Since January we've been going through fertility treatments starting with surgery for me and now we've gone through two rounds of IUI and now here we are.

With the surgery we had such a great support team and were supported by prayer and encouraging words. With the first IUI we shared the process with a lot of people and I'm glad we did but then it was sure hard having to tell everyone we weren't pregnant. With the second IUI we've been a little more quiet about it. If you've never been through this process then you won't understand why but we had to protect our family and ourselves this time. Don't get me wrong, if you ask us how things are going we will tell you the truth.

With all the hormones rushing through my body I've had some pretty high highs and some really low lows. Today James and I were having lunch and talking about this cycle and I just had to ask James about what he thought cause right now I just don't get it! I must say today was a low day for me....I've always been told and even read scripture that God knows the desires of your heart, but today I asked James to look it up and read it (I was driving) and it reads Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4. It doesn't say He knows the desires, it says He will GIVE you the desires of your heart. I had to sit and process this one for a little bit.

I dropped James off at work and I had some time before I had to pick up Farrah and I had some time to myself, which doesn't happen very often but it gave me time to think. Then I get a text from James and he had this scripture laid upon his heart and he said it was for me today and it's Psalms 21: 2-7. I read it and it just made me smile. When you go through this process of infertility you have lots of questions. The question I struggle with the most is am I trying to control trying to get pregnant. I serve a mighty God and He can do ALL things. This process is not a "natural" way and I'm injecting chemicals into my own body and trying to "make" it happen. After praying about this I do have a lot of peace or we wouldn't be doing this.

Tonight I was putting Farrah to bed and I read her a book and then a bible story and tonight's bible story was "A Baby for Sarah." The verse is Numbers 23:19 God said, "What God promises, He keeps." At the end of each story there are questions you can ask your child and the questions were What did God promise Abraham and Sarah? A baby! What did God say? What God promises, He keeps. Who keeps His promises to you? God!!

After I read this story to Farrah I had to chuckle because my God knows me so well! He knew I needed to be reminded of His promises....more children. I love how "easy" God's word is and I hate how hard I make it. Yes, today was a little rough but I have the promise of God! Is it hard? Yes! Am I going to fail? Yes! Will I have more children? I don't know but I do know I have the promise of God!

I am so thankful for the wonderful support of family and friends that we have. I will get past this all while serving a mighty God!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Oh Poo!

Farrah has been giving us a run for our money lately!! She is so full of energy and she is into everything. My sister, Shawna came over the other day just to say hi and the first thing she said was "Wow...she is busy!" Yes, we know!

A couple of months ago I had to change Farrah's pj's to the kind that zips down the front from the two piece because she would wake up and the bottoms would be off and diaper off as well. I found the cutest little pj's and thought surly Farrah has passed that phase so I'll try it again. The first night no problems so I tried it again last night.

This morning Farrah woke up around 9am which is normal and she was just singing her heart out which is also normal and then she got quiet. I know when Farrah gets quiet its pretty much trouble and this morning was no different. She is potty trained but I still put a diaper on her at night and when I went into her room she announced to me that she was big deal because she knows! I could smell it of course and said "Yes, your dirty" and then I turned on the light and saw what I had prayed would never happen! She had gotten her bottoms and diaper off and smeared poop all over her face and body!! There was poop all over her bed and carpet. I just stood there and started laughing and started yelling for James to come help. There was poop everywhere! She had it under her fingernails, all over her face, body and hair so needless to say she got a bath right away!

James came running into help and just started gagging. I asked him if he wanted to bathe Farrah or clean her bed and floor and he took Farrah's room which really surprised me. When I got Farrah in the tub I just started laughing and she was so proud of herself! She kept saying "Momma I poop!" I had to scrub her face so hard to get all the poop off and she was saying "Ouch mommy."

I can officially say we have reached two's and to be honest it scares me a little bit. She's already peed in a playground and smeared poop on her body and I have to ask myself what's next????

Friday, April 1, 2011

A first for mommy and Farrah.....

We haven't really had much going on lately so I haven't blogged but today is a blog worthy day. I always loved growing up and my parents would tell us stories about how we would embarrass them in public and I would always wonder what my children would do to me.

I'm going to start off with one of my parents embarrassing stories with my brother, Lance. When he was about five years old he was having his picture taken. There was this little girl all dressed up and looking so pretty for her pictures when my parents turn around and discover that Lance had peed all over this little girl before her pictures had even been taken! Needless to say my parents were so embarrassed!

Today Farrah and I are having lunch with Kelsey, Madison and Peyton at Chick fil a and having a great time. I remember my parents hating the playgrounds at restaurants because we would rather play then eat...well today was no different for me. I think Farrah ate about half her meal and she and Madison went to go play. Kelsey and I were having a great conversation just enjoying our lunch when I start looking for Farrah. No big deal she is half way up the ladder and there is this halfway part that she can play and just hang out in. I'm watching her and I start to notice that she is just standing there frozen in place, so I go to see if she is ok and I discovered she is peeing everywhere!! Not just a little but a river of pee. I grab her and apologize to the mother that is trying to get her kid out.

I take her to Kelsey so I can go find someone to tell and Kelsey is cracking up so thankful it wasn't her kid! So I'm laughing and when I go find the girl who is in charge of the play area I tell her "some kid" just peed all over the place and she rolls her eyes and gives me a give huff! I didn't have the heart to tell her it was my kid so I just walk away and I get back to the table and just start busting out laughing! Farrah is announcing to the world "Mommy I tee tee!" Yes baby I know.

I tell Kelsey goodbye and rush Farrah to the car and I just can't believe what just happened! Right before this happened we were laughing at one of our friends Facebook status and it said that come kid and just peed in the balls at the McDonald's and Kelsey and I were just laughing and saying how we just couldn't believe it.

I get to the car and Kelsey sends me this text....They have evacuated the play area!! WHAT?!?! So I called her and she is laughing so hard and all I can hear is this kid screaming in the background and Kelsey tells me that this kid is on the floor throwing a fit because he had to leave the play area. Then she tells me she stayed a little longer and watched all the moms sterilize their children.....come on people, its pee!!

(How can you be upset with a face like that??)

Needless to say this was my first embarrassing public thing. I know this will not be the last but I must say I'm glad its over with!! I LOVE being a mommy and learning new things and discovering things I never knew about myself. As for being embarrassed I really thought it was more funny then anything. Come on give me a break, Farrah has only been potty trained for two weeks and she was busy playing! All children have accidents and I was not going to get on to her about something like that.....we have to learn to laugh! I'm not a serious person anyways so that makes it that much easier!